The Online Wellness Association Blog

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column “ASK MAx” published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
My husband says that he has been in recovery from prescription drugs for almost two years. It is still really difficult for me to trust that he isn’t using, or planning on using. Whenever we go to visit family or friends I worry about whether he is going through their medicine cabinets. When he goes to see the doctor I worry that he is trying to get drugs. When he is on the computer I worry about him ordering drugs from online. Because of his addiction we almost lost everything that we have worked for, and I have seen little remorse from him that he is even aware how he has endangered the welfare of our family. I am getting exhausted watching and wondering about if he is using again. How can I be sure he isn’t using?

Phyllis

Dear Phyllis,
Thank you for bringing the growing problem of prescription drug abuse to the attention of my readers. As you have experienced, this addiction is insidious, negatively impacting the welfare of the family. Prescription drugs, particularly pain medications, have become the second most prevalent illegal drug problem. This unfortunate epidemic spreads across generations from teens to aging baby boomers.

Once an addict stops using and enters ‘recovery’, the family lets out a sigh of relief and immediately wants things to go back to ‘normal’. It is important for family members to be able to balance between denial and awareness. The denial is when loved ones want to pretend that the drug abuse never happened and “just put it behind us”. Drug abuse is a vicious cycle that can cause changes in the brain with the possibility of the addict developing stronger impulses to use. Family members need to educate themselves on the signs, symptoms, and effects of abusing prescription drugs. The National Institute on Drug Abuse website offers this information. You know your husband as well as anyone so you can probably detect differences in his behavior and moods when you know what to look for.

Recovery for drug addiction is an ongoing process involving behavioral and, sometimes, pharmacological treatment. While there are medications available to help addicts overcome withdrawal symptoms and drug cravings, people learn to function without abusing substances with behavioral treatments. Please keep in mind that many addicts in recovery may experience depressed moods for as long as a year or more.

It is important that you are taking care of yourself during your husband’s recovery. Focusing your attention and energy on whether or not your husband is using again, may distract you from what is important in your life. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Educating yourself with the information provided above, attending support groups to hear how other loved ones are dealing with the problem, and seeking both individual and couples counseling may help you better understand the problem of prescription addiction.

How can you be sure he isn’t using, Phyllis? Short of having him take a drug test whenever you suspect he is using, you may never be sure. Working on building a foundation of mutual trust and honesty may work better to return your family to your normal.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nester, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling

MAx Fabry is also founder and member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column “ASK MAx” published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
The other day my 14-year-old son came to me and said, “I hate that you let dad abuse you.” I was shocked hearing the word “abuse” coming from my son in regards to his father. My husband has never hit either my son or me. My son said that he was talking about how his father screamed, shouted, harassed, and humiliated people, particularly us, to get his way. My husband is a good provider, loves us, and, yes, does get emotional at times saying things that I am sure he regrets later. I believe this behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood. How can I convince my son I am not abused?

Paula

Dear Paula,
What if your son is right? What if you are being abused? EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, that is. Many people think that if there are no marks or bruises from physical lashing out, then there is no abuse. WRONG!

What we know about physical abuse connected with domestic violence is: that a woman is battered in the U.S. approximately every nine seconds; domestic violence cases contribute to more injured women then muggings and car accidents combined; even though domestic violence is the most underreported crime, it occurs in 60% of marriages.

Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is difficult to track. Emotional abuse is very underreported because of the myth that if there are not bruises and/or marks, there is no abuse. Experts have yet come to a clear definition of what constitutes emotional abuse. What experts do agree on is that, like physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is based on power and control. Forms of emotional abuse manifest through rejection, isolating, overly jealous and possessive, terrorizing, degrading, emotional deprivation, corrupting and/or exploiting.

Consider these factors as possible indicators of emotional abuse:
-depression -trust issues -health issues with no basis
-withdrawal -stealing -feelings of shame and guild
-low self-esteem -spontaneous crying -overly passive
-sleep problems -substance abuse -avoid eye contact
-suicidal thoughts -aggression -self-depreciation

If you are ready to consider that you are being emotionally abused, know that no one ever deserves to be abused in any manner. It is not your fault that this is happening to you and your children; you are not causing the abuse. You are not alone; others are starting to openly talk about this serious issue. Help is available.

Paula, you mentioned that your husband’s “behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood.” These are issues that he needs to address in individual counseling. But, more importantly, your 14-year-old son is being influenced to repeat the same behavior. Sadly, 90% of battered women reported that their children were present during the domestic violence; so, not surprisingly, 25%-30% of adolescent relationships are also abusive relationships, then grow up to abuse their spouses and children. As an adolescent, your son is learning to be a couple by watching how you and your husband interact. Just as your husband learned from his parents, your son is learning his parents. The fact that your son brought your “abuse” to light is his way of reaching out for things to change in the family. What a great kid you have!

Changing the family doesn’t necessarily mean breaking the family up. There are so many good therapists available to help with individual—adult and adolescent–and family therapy. Therapists work with their clients to identify what the problems are, identify factors that contribute to those problems, then work on giving clients tools, strategies, to be able to reach a positive outcome.

Dear readers, if you suspect, or know, someone is being emotionally and/or physically abused take time to listen, to validate what is happening, offer support: “What can I do to help?” Know services available to support the person, such as child welfare or family services contact information; transition house or shelters; health professionals including therapists. And, remember, it is a moral obligation for every person to report suspected or know child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or to the police.
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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

MAx Fabry is founder and member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION.

MARKETING STRATEGY

HELP WANTED

Millions of people have lost their jobs just in the past few months. Billions of dollars are being spent on advertising by businesses nation/world wide. Online Wellness Association, a start-up internet company, is one of those companies spending marketing dollars. We believe we have come up with a way to help people improve their income thereby getting the best value for our advertising dollars. WE NEED YOUR HELP MARKETING ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION.

Online Wellness Association wants to aggressively campaign for new members. YOU can help and make money at the same time. OWA will pay $100 for each qualified wellness practitioner that becomes a member as a result of YOUR REFERRAL to OWA. You do not have to sell OWA; you just need to recommend the site to the wellness practitioner, then, send an e-mail to the OWA staff with the referral information:

1. Name of person referred
2. Type of wellness practice
3. Name of practice
4. Phone number of practitioner
5. E-mail of practitioner
6. Acknowledgement that the practitioner is expecting communication from OWA; or, that the practitioner is contacting OWA themselves
7. Send an e-mail with the referral information to OWA staff (listed below), your referral, and a copy for yourself.

Online Wellness Association’s just wants YOU to make an INTRODUCTION of OWA to as many practitioners in your area. In exchange, when the practitioner is approved for membership, OWA will pay you a ‘Thank you’ referral fee of $100!

OWA recognizes that we are living in challenging economic times. Our marketing dollars can continue to go to traditional media marketing, BUT, instead, it seems helping people that may need additional income may be more reasonable at this time. There are no other strings attached. This is just a more direct way for OWA to do marketing and for people that may need extra money can earn it.

If you have questions about introducing wellness practitioners to Online Wellness Association, please contact me, MAx Fabry, President/Founder of Online Wellness Association at

maxfabry@onlinewellnessassociation.com

Visit our site to learn everything you need to know to earn an Introduction Fee now by browsing through the Online Wellness Association site located at:

http://onlinewellnessassociation.com

At last, the kids have gotten beyond grade school, beyond the age of clingy dependence and stubbed toes, and are finally becoming their own autonomous beings. As a parent enters into the teen years, parenting doesn’t get easier, it just changes.

The challenges that we face as parents of teenagers, can be extreme, and our teens, whether they know it or not, need us even more. As we step from one era into the next, the challenges that we face as parents can bring us to our knees or, at the least, to the verge of tears.

While puberty is hitting children earlier and earlier from environmental and food-based reasons, the development of teens’ brains is still in flux until their mid-20s. This affects mood, personality and decision-making, among other things. Insight into the brain’s development can often explain at least some of the mystery that is the teenage years. A wonderful book to read is,” Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen,” by Dr. David Walsh.

Over the years, the way children and parents interact has been changing, and technology, such as video games, text messaging and the internet have been shifting the way teens view the world. This world of high tech is creating social isolation, and actually altering brain development and the ability to communicate. For more information in the area of child development, a great reference is Dr. Joseph Chilton Pearce.

We have moved away from the nuclear family of communicating around the dinner table, and into “on the run” communication through text messaging and brief phone calls to touch base. While the worldwide web of communication has its benefits, it has tremendously influenced how people interact with each other, specifically parents and their children.

As has been my professional and personal path, whenever I have had issues or conflicts with my family or within myself, I got trained in it. One very dear colleague of mine once proclaimed, “You have attended more workshops than anyone I have ever known!” Being the eternal optimist that I am, I reframed that and prided myself in the realization that I am a seeker of knowledge. When my children were babies, I was trained as a Lamaze instructor. When my children were showing signs of the “terrible twos (those wonderful independent months, that sometimes lapsed into years!) I was certified in active parenting and offered parenting classes. When my marriage was having complications, I got trained in couples communication. Then, when my 2 boys hit the teenage years, they are now 19 and 21 years old, I again went in search of answers and solutions, and began offering classes for families with teenagers that were proactive and resolution based. My intention was to create a community of resources where families could come for answers and support.

Personally, our family has been through a lot. There’s been grief and loss, a divorce, my sons father remarried, and in addition to that, going through the normal transitions of growing up in a fast paced society. Despite all of the emotional turmoil, I have been blessed with 2 wonderful sons who have been experiencing and adapting to the normal awkwardness of stepping into those dreaded teen and young adult years that we as parent’s were so often warned of.

With over 20 years of experience, all of my training has been based in the area of encouragement, respect, dignity, creating community, and taking personal responsibility. I have taught and guided individuals, families, groups and organizations, how to focus on active listening, empathy, and conflict resolution, with an eye toward the physiology behind behavior. Here are just a few suggestions that I can offer you, to perhaps create a smoother transition though these trying years of both your own and your child’s development:
1. Seek info about teen development. Talk with other parents.
2. Know that you’re doing your best as a parent and value your increasing wisdom
4. Have a positive attitude about your changing teen and your own life changes.
5. Talk to your teen with 2-way communication. Listen and share things that are important to you both.
6. Stay interested in your teen’s life. Spend time with your teen and encourage them.
7. Keep your perspective and sense of humor.
8. Enjoy your teen! Consider what you appreciate about your teen and let them know.
9. Most important of all, tell your teens how much you love them. Because love
heals all, and speaks much louder than words.

Catherine VanWetter is a transitional life counselor who is ready to guide you in the next steps of your journey toward becoming more authentically aligned mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Catherine is certified in multiple disciplines, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Integrative Kinesiology, Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Hellinger’s Family Systems Work, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Positive Discipline, and Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) for couples. Visit her website at http://www.totheheartofthematter.com.

Hello, my name is Catherine VanWetter, MSW, and I would like to introduce you to a different way of looking at inherent problems and solutions within family systems that was introduced to me in 2000. This dynamic approach is called systemic constellation work founded by Bert Hellinger more than 50 years ago in Germany.

Systemic constellations is an intergenerational healing process that restores the flow of love and strength from our ancestors, those who came before us, to us. It honors the very source of our lives which originate from our parents, grandparents, great grandparents and on down our family lineage. This giving and receiving of life creates an intricate web of connection and relationships. These connections and bonds continue to affect us, and our children, long after we have forgotten them. Constellation work creates an experiential model of the family system so that we can literally see the “invisible” entanglements, the love, and the solutions.

All of us are born into a family that has a conscience or “collective soul”. This collective creates behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and traits that are often passed on from one generation to another. These patterns become so ingrained into one’s belief system that they are often not challenged. Thus, belief systems become part of who they are. These belief systems or patterns are invisible and hidden dynamics in people’s family system that may unconsciously drive them towards the problems that they have. So, coming from this perspective, the soul of the family has us, we don’t have it. And so, we are born with “entanglements” or burdens that we carry. Many times, these burdens are not ours to carry. These entanglements or burdens may show up as addictions, chronic pain, disease, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, or illness, just to a few. Anything that encumbers us to live a full and joyful life. All this again, is done on an unconscious or soul level. It happens out of a deep and hidden loyalty of the secret law that will not allow anyone of a family system to be denied the right to belong. This phenomenon also occurs in order to atone an injustice that has been done in the family. It is a love so deep that a family member may unconsciously choose to die, rather than “betray” the family bond.

Through systemic constellations, a person is shown the true origin of the stated problem and new opportunities for disentanglement and resolution. The client can see and feel love flowing again in his or he family system, and will no longer sacrifice personal health or well-being. The experience of truth, loyalty, and love unfold before the client.

By working gently, honestly and directly with facts, rather than beliefs, or our story, we can uncover previously hidden dynamics, making the unconscious conscious, observe them, acknowledge what is, and allow a dynamic resolution which results in healing on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level.

Constellation work is a powerful tool in sourcing the origin of our problems and finding a resolution steeped in deep healing within the complex and often tragic systems of the individual and their family. This work truly allows us to come home to ourselves, our family our source.

“When we understand the systemic laws that allow love to unfold, we may help suffering families and individuals to find solutions, even after a lifetime of hate, anger, and abuse”. Bert Hellinger

Testimonials:
I didn’t get what I needed growing up. I was emotionally and physically abandoned, and abused in every way except physically. Consequently, as an adult I’ve struggled to take care of my own emotional needs and to feel any semblance of inner peace or happiness. I’ve held strong to the story in my head (and heart) that my life would always be filled with pain and sadness that just doesn’t go away, because of certain ‘facts’ in my life. I’ve done plenty of talk therapy in my adult life, and it’s helped in some ways but the pain and sadness remained. Fortunately I decided to try a Systemic Constellation workshop. I was skeptical, but not anymore. I don’t know exactly how, but I know it’s allowed me to get out of the storyline in my head and get a glimpse of new possibilities in my life and the way I feel. Catherine is an excellent facilitator and leader of these workshops. I highly recommend it.
D.K., technical writer/project manager

Catherine is remarkable and I have done this work with her and with a couple other practitioners over the years. It is DEEPLY powerful and lasting. I still see evidence in my life from pieces I learned in a session 10 years ago. The magic is that no one needs to know your story to do the work, you don’t even have to know the story, and yet you get information in a way that is deeply shifting and freeing. I encourage you to come check it out and either come as an observer or do a constellation. BOTH are powerful and invited. Kathy P. – Realtor

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Catherine VanWetter is a transitional life counselor who is ready to guide you in the next steps of your journey toward becoming more authentically aligned mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Catherine is certified in multiple disciplines, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Integrative Kinesiology, Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Hellinger’s Family Systems Work, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Positive Discipline, and Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) for couples. Visit her website at http://www.totheheartofthematter.com.